Life Lost

I’ve heard people say that when you have a near death experience it changes the rest of your life forever, but what becomes of your life when you don’t die, but your baby dies many months before you ever get to meet him or her? Your life is never the same again either. I mourn such a tragedy still today, many decades later, and it will continue with me until my dieing day. I felt as if God was punishing me for something I had done in my youth or past, something I could not pray enough to wash away the sin(s) I committed. It is to eternally cling upon my soul and haunt me until my last breath here on earth. I then think about “us” there was an “us” in this scenario, we made this baby as one, and we lost this baby as one. Yes, it was I, the woman who felt this, our tiny unborn baby slip from inside me where I thought it was safe and snug, but all of a sudden a moment came, and there was nothing I could do to put a stop to it and all I felt inside me was a vast emptiness. It happened in a matter of moments or seconds, I cried out and I screamed inside and it was still happening as I lay there trying to gulp for air and somehow tell myself this wasn’t the end of the world, I still had to live on past this unspeakable death knowing my baby was gone forever. Forever. We as humans use this word like an everyday casual word not conscious of what it really means. I will love you forever, I will stay with your forever, I will wear this shirt forever because you touched it, I want this moment to last forever…but then we realize, sometimes much to late, that forever is a really really long time, and time has a way of altering our way of thinking, our way of behaving, and our hearts, forever.

I have written before we cannot go back in time and even if we could would we take that chance of an outcome that would so alter our future and those around us causing appalling and reckless events. I know life moves on, and I cannot change my past choices or events, but they have formed me into who and what I am today.

When I see an older dog, or an adult dog at a shelter, it genuinely tears at my heart. We as Americans do a repulsive job at preventing new litters of puppies from being brought into this world of over population. Many don’t care or even think about it…these are just animals, or possessions, not individual lives. But every single pup born is a new and special life. We are all God’s creatures and all deserve a life of security, food, shelter from the elements, and most importantly love. Since that tragic day so long ago that is perpetually engraved into my memory I have unsuccessfully attempted to see if my body would carry a beautiful baby to term, but it was never meant to be. So, desperate to help babies in any form so that I could make use of my motherly instincts and love, I choose to save as many dogs as I could from their own impending death at the hands of humans. “It Takes Four Paws” is so much deeper and nearer to my heart than any of you could have imagined. I could not save my baby, but I can save and nurture what God has given to me, dogs, lots of dogs. I love them more than some humans and they are deserving of this love for they love me unconditionally and without any reservation. I am their mom, and they my fur-children, today and everyday, even long after they are gone from this earth and waiting for me at Rainbow Bridge. God gives us what we need, not what we want, and we must take what He gives us and nurture and secure it today and always. We cannot change or fix what happened long ago, but we can try to make amends in whatever way we can using our hearts. To the loss of my past, I love you and will never forget you as being a part of me and may you forever know peace and love continues to overfull from my heart to yours. Love is not lost if it is still deep within your heart, it is just tucked safely away.

FairyTale

Life. I sit and wonder if this is the life I was given, or the life I have chosen, or was it just random acts that brought me to where I am? I am confident, like me, most of you dreamed when you were a young child about what your future would be like. I always prayed first just to make it to adulthood and after that, I lived in a perfect fairytale in my future life. Complete will all the furry animals in the forest that walked and talked and were my very best friends, prince charming would tell me how pretty I was every day, the beautiful dresses and the figure to wear them, the bluebirds singing pleasing music and floating around and around. The sun was always shining and the scenic view was of rolling hills blanketed with sweet dainty flowers. Soft breezes and fluffy clouds up in the blue blue sky.

WAKE UP, and when I did, there were no bluebirds singing in my ear, just loud voices that began to sound like blah blah blah. Early wake ups and hard work, no prince charming to sweep me away and make me the happiest woman in all the land. There was no soft bed which to lay my head upon, in real life it was just an old sleeping bag on the floor. No fancy clothes adorned my not so perfect body shape, and any pretty flowers were covered in brown sloshed snow out my city window. The dreams of childhood began to fade with each passing day, real life was taking over and it was not looking like anyplace I wanted to stay for very long. When reality turns out to be a complete 360 from your dreams you began to doubt that any happiness is in your future and if and when will it ever get there.

When I did find happiness, it faded much to quickly, leaving me to feel alone and isolated, unloved and uncared for, as if I were to just fade away it would be okay, there wasn’t anyone to come look for me. The years go by and the silliness of fairytale made me laugh, for real…hard belly laughs. Not because they are adolescent poppycock filling us with artificial ideas, but because I knew who I was, and where I had come from, and almost daily kicked myself for believing in all that “perfect sunny days, prince charming, bluebird signing” crap. Who believes in that shit anyhow, I did, but like many little girls before me, we wake up and learn the truths. The furry animals in the forest get shot and eaten, prince charming is an unemployed self centered jerk, the sun is covered by pollution, the dresses all alluring and flowing are only worn in the movies, us real ladies wear work uniforms.

So again, I am back where I started, is this the life I was given, the life I have made, or the random acts…I can only tell you for sure, it ain’t no fairytale.

Loneliness

Now and again we may be surrounded by many people in our daily life, and yet we feel lonely and isolated. I myself feel this way on many days and it is not that I don’t have people in my life that love me, because I do. I have always felt different than most, unique but not special and dare I say out of sync with the majority.

My regular readers and supporters who have gotten to know me from my blog know that I am a survivor of many evils, child abuse, rape, verbal abuse, and continued torment from one family member that will remain a constant in the forefront of my life until they are called to hell. If any of you are saying to the screen, “you need to seek counseling, please don’t waste that comment on me, as I have had years and years of counseling by some of the best in the business. What I feel is in my heart not my head.

Needless to say, I counted on animals more than humans and I feel perfectly rational in stating this. They are the only ones that do not instigate anguish, know about hate, harbor ill feelings, torment and torture, or raise a fist in rage. But most of us know this already, but what many may not know is that each and every one of my fur-children have their own and distinct personality. One maybe feels sad when I leave, one will play alone, one will always lay on my head no matter how large he gets, one may hate to get brushed and the others may love it. They are like us in that no two are alike. And just like I have different relationships with different people based on our personalities and closeness, I have a similar but different relationship with the fur-kids.

As I have stated in the beginning I can and have felt entirely alone in a group of people, be they friends or strangers, but I can honestly say I have never felt alone in the company of a dog. We share basic trust and traits. We don’t need to speak but yet there is a conversation, we don’t need to touch and yet my heart is touched, we don’t have to look into each other’s eyes, but when I do, I see their soul, and it to me it is as pure as the first snow flakes falling from the heavens. Pure, natural, beautiful, simple, and with it, a calm and overwhelming sense of togetherness, loyalty, and love.

I know that people like me are rare, but I don’t mind at all, it just validates that I am very special and that the bonds I can make with God’s creatures is a gift direct from the heaven’s that only was given to a few honored non-perfect humans like me.

Happy tail wagging everyone.

Thunder Brings on the Paw

I was awoken this morning about 4:30 to a large black and furry paw to the face. As I attempted to clear out the dust from my sleepy brain I could hear the thunder clasps and see the flashes of light dance across the sky. It was Otis attached to the paw telling me he was not about to sit this storm out alone so I’d better get up. Otis has had a fear of storms ever since we moved here to upstate SC where summer storms are known to pop up almost every afternoon. Personally I have a passion for storms that provide a muscular wind that instigates tree branches to twist and turn, a rain that drenches you to the bone as it attacks you and hits you with a slap, a light show that can only be upstaged by Trans Siberian Orchestra. But, with Otis my loyal fur-child around I must awaken from my serene undemanding dream as I am denied any pleasure kindled by this storm of the early morning. As I creep from the bedroom and very softly close the door, I watch with delight as the sky continues to sparkle and the thunder breaks the silence of the sleeping house.

I must care for my Otis: I speak to him in a gentle, soothing, and motherly voice as I hug him firmly. We walk side by side to the kitchen where the promace pills are kept for just such mornings. Once Otis has had his pill, we lay tenderly on the living room floor, his head upon my chest, his breathing slowing to a tranquil state. I watch as his eyelids commence to close even as he struggles the inescapable. As he doses off into sweet dreams, I hear one last thunderbolt clamor through the stillness and witness one last shimmer dash across the horizon as I as drift back into peaceful slumber.

Love

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"
http://www.museumofthedog.org/about_us.html

Blessings

Well today outside is just a cloudy and drizzly day, but inside I am filled with sunshine. I have been reflecting on the many blessings I have had in my life and still have today. Of course it goes without saying the man in my life is someone that loves me for me, and nothing is better than that. I am not a easy woman to be with, I have a very broken past that still haunts me today, but he is still right by my side even when I am checked out in my own little world, or playing with toys at the stores, or dressed up like a runway model on his arm for the evening. He has weaknesses and flaws, but don’t we all? I will never be close to perfect and yet he accepts this in me and loves me in spite of it. He is a true and admirable blessing that I will hold onto for as long as I can.

My recent discovery of my grandson, yes I said grandson, has given me a new purpose in life. He lives so far away, and we have so much catching up to do I could write to him a chapter each day and still be behind on where he is in his life and how I got to this point in mine. Just knowing a little ten year old is thinking of me, wanting to know all about me, and share the rest of his life with me is a blessing that God could not have sent at a better time.

Not last by any means are my pups; Otis, Marley, Brock, and the baby Abby. As a child that was beaten for years my dog was all I had that showed me any love. I would have died to protect her, and she for I. She is at Rainbow bridge waiting for me and someday I will hug her and thank her again for being there to save me when all hope was lost. She was my only blessing for many years, and my current babies have no less love for me than she did, and I for them.

Blessings come in many different and unique ways; a life savior, a clean bill of health, a special someone, or maybe the blessing was just being able to pick myself up and move on. I have had to do this many times and all across this great nation of ours. I have lost touch with the very few friends I had met along my journey, but I still hold dear many memories of times from my past that did make me laugh and smile, gave me hope, showed me that I was worthy of love, and just every now and then, my greatest blessing of all was inner peace.

Stay happy and keep those tails wagging!