Life Lost

I’ve heard people say that when you have a near death experience it changes the rest of your life forever, but what becomes of your life when you don’t die, but your baby dies many months before you ever get to meet him or her? Your life is never the same again either. I mourn such a tragedy still today, many decades later, and it will continue with me until my dieing day. I felt as if God was punishing me for something I had done in my youth or past, something I could not pray enough to wash away the sin(s) I committed. It is to eternally cling upon my soul and haunt me until my last breath here on earth. I then think about “us” there was an “us” in this scenario, we made this baby as one, and we lost this baby as one. Yes, it was I, the woman who felt this, our tiny unborn baby slip from inside me where I thought it was safe and snug, but all of a sudden a moment came, and there was nothing I could do to put a stop to it and all I felt inside me was a vast emptiness. It happened in a matter of moments or seconds, I cried out and I screamed inside and it was still happening as I lay there trying to gulp for air and somehow tell myself this wasn’t the end of the world, I still had to live on past this unspeakable death knowing my baby was gone forever. Forever. We as humans use this word like an everyday casual word not conscious of what it really means. I will love you forever, I will stay with your forever, I will wear this shirt forever because you touched it, I want this moment to last forever…but then we realize, sometimes much to late, that forever is a really really long time, and time has a way of altering our way of thinking, our way of behaving, and our hearts, forever.

I have written before we cannot go back in time and even if we could would we take that chance of an outcome that would so alter our future and those around us causing appalling and reckless events. I know life moves on, and I cannot change my past choices or events, but they have formed me into who and what I am today.

When I see an older dog, or an adult dog at a shelter, it genuinely tears at my heart. We as Americans do a repulsive job at preventing new litters of puppies from being brought into this world of over population. Many don’t care or even think about it…these are just animals, or possessions, not individual lives. But every single pup born is a new and special life. We are all God’s creatures and all deserve a life of security, food, shelter from the elements, and most importantly love. Since that tragic day so long ago that is perpetually engraved into my memory I have unsuccessfully attempted to see if my body would carry a beautiful baby to term, but it was never meant to be. So, desperate to help babies in any form so that I could make use of my motherly instincts and love, I choose to save as many dogs as I could from their own impending death at the hands of humans. “It Takes Four Paws” is so much deeper and nearer to my heart than any of you could have imagined. I could not save my baby, but I can save and nurture what God has given to me, dogs, lots of dogs. I love them more than some humans and they are deserving of this love for they love me unconditionally and without any reservation. I am their mom, and they my fur-children, today and everyday, even long after they are gone from this earth and waiting for me at Rainbow Bridge. God gives us what we need, not what we want, and we must take what He gives us and nurture and secure it today and always. We cannot change or fix what happened long ago, but we can try to make amends in whatever way we can using our hearts. To the loss of my past, I love you and will never forget you as being a part of me and may you forever know peace and love continues to overfull from my heart to yours. Love is not lost if it is still deep within your heart, it is just tucked safely away.