Saturday, October 1, 2011

Love, can I Believe?

Today I sit and question, speculate, how different a person I am from say 20 years ago. It seems as if the time has gone by so 
very quickly and yet, at times, it just seems to stand still. I have tried to destroy the unpleasant experiences, the naughty times, the remorseful actions, and the damaging people from my past, but I can’t, they will forever be just what they are, my past. My past bears a resemblance to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. I was anguished when I was young and I had remained that way for many decades and to be honest I still am a bit today. When you are young everyone tells you, “it’s okay, your young move on get past it.” or, “you will laugh about this one day when you are older.” Some things I did, and some things I didn’t, I just couldn’t. I lost a few very precious and loving souls during this time in my life when I was so mixed with emotions from hatred, to love, to who cares. I was so tired of being used and abused that when I had genuine devotion and love screaming in my face and holding on for dear life right beside me I couldn’t-wouldn’t see it. People beat me, raped me, used me, and now, after all that, I was to genuinely believe someone loved me…not possible, it was a lie, my mother told me no one would or could ever love me. I know now I was asphyxiating any spark that had grown and flourished and removed myself as far away as I could right then and there, my heart had been thrown to hell and back and I could not handle one more tear, or crack, or ache. I know now I lost and cast away many precious and wonderful gifts, but I was just not cable of love in my condition back then. Oh I did love and was loved but not in the way it was meant to be, everlasting, encompassing, engulfing oneself in a never look back kind of way. It was more like finding fault, fixating on a bad habit, and then running away and casting the blame elsewhere. When you are as broken and defeated as I was back then, I was destined to destroy any goodness in my life while looking and preparing for the bad and evil every moment of the day. I knew, I knew, I just knew, it had to be around the corner and coming after me with a vengeance, there was no escape from the doom my life was to encounter. I walked away many times from those who honestly loved me, cared about me, wanted me, just for me, and I am truly sorry. I just couldn’t believe I was capable of true happiness and love with the heart very deeply and honestly. Love is something I did not identify with or really deep down ever imagine was possible until much later in my life. The only real love I felt was that from my four-legged furry friends, not humans. Humans could not be trusted and they continued to prove that to me each and every day. They didn’t care about me, have concern for me or my health, they just used me to take what they needed and cast me aside until they needed me again. Humans are capable of inflicting pain, and this they did, so much so it blinded me from seeing what was right there in my arms and begging to stay in my heart. I cannot replace what once was wrong and make it right, time continues to move on and we must learn to forgive ourselves, our mistakes, and judge not our decisions. Life is ever evolving and we learn as we grow, but sometimes, oh yea sometimes, I wish I knew then what I is clearly undeniable now. Hug you beloved pets, they love you more than anyone else ever could, because their love is unconditional.
Happy Tail Wagging and may love find it’s way to your heart each and every day.

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