Friday, February 27, 2009

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

Saturday, February 21, 2009

This is too funny!

WOW! I wonder what school she went to and how in the world she made it past the second grade!!

10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog

1.) If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2.) No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3.) Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4.) Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5.) No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6.) Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7.) You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8.) No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9.) It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10.) Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Monday, February 16, 2009

A letter from my dog today...

How to wash a toilet...

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.You may need
to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come
from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people
between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,and run
outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


The Dog

Okay I Would NEVER do this to my 20 year old cat or any other cat..don't know what got into that dog???

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I always wondered how this “holiday” began, so I did some research, and to be honest now that I know how it all started I don’t think I will be celebrating this holiday any longer.

The birth of Valentine's Day began with the very ancient, Roman pastoral festival; Lupercalia, observed February 13 through February 15 to ward off evil spirits and cleanse the city, releasing health and fertility. Okay so far not bad, sounds okay and I’m still with it. The festival sported many of the noble youths of the magistrates running naked through the city for sport and laughter while girls and young woman purposely lined their route in hopes of getting lashed by whips or “thongs” made of the sacrificed goat and soaked in it’s blood as they believed it would ensure fertility and ease the pains of childbirth. Okay, gross. In order for these young men to obtain the thongs, the festival begins by sacrificing two male goats and a dog, no gender specified. A piece of the goats skin in cut from the carcass and the blood from the knife is wiped upon it and then soaked in milk before the running of city partakes. This went on until the fifth century, when the public performance of pagan rites was outlawed. Hurray for someone finally coming to their sense! Later a priest named Valentine came along. Valentine was a romantic at heart who for his belief in love disobeyed the mighty Emperor Claudius II. You see the Emperor wanted all his soldiers to remain bachelors so they would not be distracted by love (heaven forbid) and concentrate on fighting.Valentine,had other thoughts and he secretly performed marriage ceremonies for the soldiers. As a result of his defiance of the Emperor in his fight for love he was put to death on February 14th. And there you have it folks, how it all began. Oh there are a few more Roman stories in between and at the end the magical “Cupid” comes in to play, but for me the story ends here. It is hard to enjoy a day which started way way way back in 44 BC when many animals were sacrificed so we could get a box of chocolates and a few roses; I guess I will reflect on the story of Valentine, for he sacrificed his life for love…

Friday, February 6, 2009


1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative,ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too,will grow old.

10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so. ALWAYS!

~Take a moment today to thank God for your pets.Enjoy and take good care of them. Life would be a much duller,less joyful experience without God's critters~