Life Lost

I’ve heard people say that when you have a near death experience it changes the rest of your life forever, but what becomes of your life when you don’t die, but your baby dies many months before you ever get to meet him or her? Your life is never the same again either. I mourn such a tragedy still today, many decades later, and it will continue with me until my dieing day. I felt as if God was punishing me for something I had done in my youth or past, something I could not pray enough to wash away the sin(s) I committed. It is to eternally cling upon my soul and haunt me until my last breath here on earth. I then think about “us” there was an “us” in this scenario, we made this baby as one, and we lost this baby as one. Yes, it was I, the woman who felt this, our tiny unborn baby slip from inside me where I thought it was safe and snug, but all of a sudden a moment came, and there was nothing I could do to put a stop to it and all I felt inside me was a vast emptiness. It happened in a matter of moments or seconds, I cried out and I screamed inside and it was still happening as I lay there trying to gulp for air and somehow tell myself this wasn’t the end of the world, I still had to live on past this unspeakable death knowing my baby was gone forever. Forever. We as humans use this word like an everyday casual word not conscious of what it really means. I will love you forever, I will stay with your forever, I will wear this shirt forever because you touched it, I want this moment to last forever…but then we realize, sometimes much to late, that forever is a really really long time, and time has a way of altering our way of thinking, our way of behaving, and our hearts, forever.

I have written before we cannot go back in time and even if we could would we take that chance of an outcome that would so alter our future and those around us causing appalling and reckless events. I know life moves on, and I cannot change my past choices or events, but they have formed me into who and what I am today.

When I see an older dog, or an adult dog at a shelter, it genuinely tears at my heart. We as Americans do a repulsive job at preventing new litters of puppies from being brought into this world of over population. Many don’t care or even think about it…these are just animals, or possessions, not individual lives. But every single pup born is a new and special life. We are all God’s creatures and all deserve a life of security, food, shelter from the elements, and most importantly love. Since that tragic day so long ago that is perpetually engraved into my memory I have unsuccessfully attempted to see if my body would carry a beautiful baby to term, but it was never meant to be. So, desperate to help babies in any form so that I could make use of my motherly instincts and love, I choose to save as many dogs as I could from their own impending death at the hands of humans. “It Takes Four Paws” is so much deeper and nearer to my heart than any of you could have imagined. I could not save my baby, but I can save and nurture what God has given to me, dogs, lots of dogs. I love them more than some humans and they are deserving of this love for they love me unconditionally and without any reservation. I am their mom, and they my fur-children, today and everyday, even long after they are gone from this earth and waiting for me at Rainbow Bridge. God gives us what we need, not what we want, and we must take what He gives us and nurture and secure it today and always. We cannot change or fix what happened long ago, but we can try to make amends in whatever way we can using our hearts. To the loss of my past, I love you and will never forget you as being a part of me and may you forever know peace and love continues to overfull from my heart to yours. Love is not lost if it is still deep within your heart, it is just tucked safely away.

Loneliness

Now and again we may be surrounded by many people in our daily life, and yet we feel lonely and isolated. I myself feel this way on many days and it is not that I don’t have people in my life that love me, because I do. I have always felt different than most, unique but not special and dare I say out of sync with the majority.

My regular readers and supporters who have gotten to know me from my blog know that I am a survivor of many evils, child abuse, rape, verbal abuse, and continued torment from one family member that will remain a constant in the forefront of my life until they are called to hell. If any of you are saying to the screen, “you need to seek counseling, please don’t waste that comment on me, as I have had years and years of counseling by some of the best in the business. What I feel is in my heart not my head.

Needless to say, I counted on animals more than humans and I feel perfectly rational in stating this. They are the only ones that do not instigate anguish, know about hate, harbor ill feelings, torment and torture, or raise a fist in rage. But most of us know this already, but what many may not know is that each and every one of my fur-children have their own and distinct personality. One maybe feels sad when I leave, one will play alone, one will always lay on my head no matter how large he gets, one may hate to get brushed and the others may love it. They are like us in that no two are alike. And just like I have different relationships with different people based on our personalities and closeness, I have a similar but different relationship with the fur-kids.

As I have stated in the beginning I can and have felt entirely alone in a group of people, be they friends or strangers, but I can honestly say I have never felt alone in the company of a dog. We share basic trust and traits. We don’t need to speak but yet there is a conversation, we don’t need to touch and yet my heart is touched, we don’t have to look into each other’s eyes, but when I do, I see their soul, and it to me it is as pure as the first snow flakes falling from the heavens. Pure, natural, beautiful, simple, and with it, a calm and overwhelming sense of togetherness, loyalty, and love.

I know that people like me are rare, but I don’t mind at all, it just validates that I am very special and that the bonds I can make with God’s creatures is a gift direct from the heaven’s that only was given to a few honored non-perfect humans like me.

Happy tail wagging everyone.

Sense of Change

The past few weeks have been difficult for me. I found a lump in my breast so I went to my family doctor, who was amazed at what she was feeling, ordered an MRI and ultrasound two weeks out and set up an appointment with an oncologist surgeon. The waiting the two weeks to have the tests was like a cruel joke and now again I am waiting two days for the results of my core biopsy they did yesterday as they did not like what they saw on the ultrasound or MRI from last week.

What has made this bearable? Of course my husband, he has been so understanding and wonderful…doing dishes, hugging me more often, being extra sweet, and giving me the remote! He is a one-of-a-kind angel from heaven.

But as I am home alone all day it is the comfort of my critters that make the time pass. Did you know tears of joy contain different substances than those of sadness or pain and dogs are able to tell the difference? Some people believe that dogs can detect cancer, I don’t know for sure about all that, but I do know my three dogs gave stayed closer to me, snuggled more, and have been by my side every moment now since I first noticed this lump. I don’t think it is that they know the answer to the test results but they can detect that something is out of the ordinary. Their sense of smell, heat detection, and ability to identify patterns of behavior we can't see is part of their design for survival.

It is wonderful, and yet odd, that dogs are not afraid of humans from the moment they are born into this world and that we as humans are so attracted to a species other than our own. Our affection, bond, and intensely intimate relationship with our beloved pets is something not normally found in nature, but it works and I am happy it does because this week would have been unbearable if it were not for my three fur children.