Why Does it Hurt So Much?

I am in daily pain so naturally when I am online I seek blogs and articles on pain; a very sad revelation for me was to realize so many people like me are in pain.

Since I was told of my RA I have asked God and anyone listening, why does it hurt so much? It is not only a physical pain it transfers over into every aspect of my daily life. I have not received an answer to my question on why it hurts so much, and to be honest, I don’t expect one, sad to say I do find comfort from the knowledge that I am not alone in my battle. People grieve over a lost loved one or friend, but people also, like me, grieve over the loss of good heath.

So I, as many others do every day across the world muse, why does life have to hurt so much? Children our the innocence in our lives and their little brains are always asking questions like, where does rain come from, why do dogs bark, how did they build such a tall building, or where do babies come from? The children grow and go to school and are taught the answers to all these questions and given answers to questions they had not even asked yet. But there is one question to which we never get an answer, why does suffering exists?

I have learned from all my reading that we must all find some part of this answer ourselves, from within. As we live our lives we continue to seek the knowledge to advance forward, reach upwards, and never stop looking for an answer…for if we do, our very souls establish we are forever destined to suffer and become locked into a dark dangerous place where there is no light or hope.

In order for me to feel comfort and to find an inner peace to my pain and suffering, I seek out unconditional love for it is the everlasting hope within me that pushes me onward. I find comfort in my family and loved ones, but it doesn’t measure up to the love I receive from my dogs, every day, every hour, every second, they are there for me with wet sloppy kisses and are willing snuggle babies that can outdo a box of tissues any day for tears and fears. They are such simple creatures, and yet they bring this unequaled reassurance and calm to my life.

We all search for answers and clarifications on how to make it through the rest of our lives when we are faced with grim and radical changes in our bodies. It affects not just us but our loved ones as well. It also engulfs with it our finances, our daily activities, our four legged children, and our friends. Our desires and dreams and all the plans laid out for our life into old age and retirement; taken away with the pain that came washing ashore and went out to sea again taking with it our life expectations and so much more.

So I try to accept as many wet kisses as I can get, try to smile though the pain, and laugh at the amount of pills I must swallow each and every day. Life may not be fair, and it may be full of pain, but I am still here, breathing and alive, able to still ask the question, why does life hurt so much?

I consider myself blessed and thank God everyday I am granted a new sunrise and a new wet sloppy kiss.

Life Lost

I’ve heard people say that when you have a near death experience it changes the rest of your life forever, but what becomes of your life when you don’t die, but your baby dies many months before you ever get to meet him or her? Your life is never the same again either. I mourn such a tragedy still today, many decades later, and it will continue with me until my dieing day. I felt as if God was punishing me for something I had done in my youth or past, something I could not pray enough to wash away the sin(s) I committed. It is to eternally cling upon my soul and haunt me until my last breath here on earth. I then think about “us” there was an “us” in this scenario, we made this baby as one, and we lost this baby as one. Yes, it was I, the woman who felt this, our tiny unborn baby slip from inside me where I thought it was safe and snug, but all of a sudden a moment came, and there was nothing I could do to put a stop to it and all I felt inside me was a vast emptiness. It happened in a matter of moments or seconds, I cried out and I screamed inside and it was still happening as I lay there trying to gulp for air and somehow tell myself this wasn’t the end of the world, I still had to live on past this unspeakable death knowing my baby was gone forever. Forever. We as humans use this word like an everyday casual word not conscious of what it really means. I will love you forever, I will stay with your forever, I will wear this shirt forever because you touched it, I want this moment to last forever…but then we realize, sometimes much to late, that forever is a really really long time, and time has a way of altering our way of thinking, our way of behaving, and our hearts, forever.

I have written before we cannot go back in time and even if we could would we take that chance of an outcome that would so alter our future and those around us causing appalling and reckless events. I know life moves on, and I cannot change my past choices or events, but they have formed me into who and what I am today.

When I see an older dog, or an adult dog at a shelter, it genuinely tears at my heart. We as Americans do a repulsive job at preventing new litters of puppies from being brought into this world of over population. Many don’t care or even think about it…these are just animals, or possessions, not individual lives. But every single pup born is a new and special life. We are all God’s creatures and all deserve a life of security, food, shelter from the elements, and most importantly love. Since that tragic day so long ago that is perpetually engraved into my memory I have unsuccessfully attempted to see if my body would carry a beautiful baby to term, but it was never meant to be. So, desperate to help babies in any form so that I could make use of my motherly instincts and love, I choose to save as many dogs as I could from their own impending death at the hands of humans. “It Takes Four Paws” is so much deeper and nearer to my heart than any of you could have imagined. I could not save my baby, but I can save and nurture what God has given to me, dogs, lots of dogs. I love them more than some humans and they are deserving of this love for they love me unconditionally and without any reservation. I am their mom, and they my fur-children, today and everyday, even long after they are gone from this earth and waiting for me at Rainbow Bridge. God gives us what we need, not what we want, and we must take what He gives us and nurture and secure it today and always. We cannot change or fix what happened long ago, but we can try to make amends in whatever way we can using our hearts. To the loss of my past, I love you and will never forget you as being a part of me and may you forever know peace and love continues to overfull from my heart to yours. Love is not lost if it is still deep within your heart, it is just tucked safely away.

The Simple Life

God has altered my life in many ways in the last two years. I have had setbacks in my health and yet my heart is overflowing. My health is not as great as it once was, but it could be much much worse, so I am grateful everyday I wake up and can stand and use my hands. I am blessed with inner strength to compel me to keep seeking and giving kindness, searching for those in need of my help, to introduce myself to new and challenging opportunities, to constantly grow in my belief and for the many blessing of love in my life. I have reunited with family members and I have asked others to stay away. I have made new friends, reconnected with old ones, and yes maybe have lost a few as well. I am blessed with a husband that adores me and blessed with all the four-legged children God had adopt me.

My personality has changed as well, I am still very crazy, but mature when needed. I love to laugh and have fun, but know when to be solemn. I try my best to do a good deed everyday, and yet sometimes they bite me in the butt. I am a child of God just doing the best she can to stay focused on the blessings I have and not ask for things I do not need. God has sent to me another daughter, this time from Brazil. Ana Paula is beautiful, caring, smart and sweet as summer corn. A blessing that I did not ask for but God gave to me knowing I needed her and she needs us.

I used to be all about the amount of materials things and how many more could I own. Now, I wear a plastic paw print bracelet in place of the diamond one. I carry a purse that was made by a group that supports and feed homeless dogs in place of the Gucci. Brand names have been replaced with comfortable and affordable. All these material things are pretty, but so is a child’s smile, a puppy taking a nap, or walking barefoot in the sand.

What is in my heart is what is most important not what I wear on my body. I am a softer person now inside, unlike before when I was full of so much hate and anger. I look for the simple pleasures God gave to all of us for my appreciation and to heighten my spirit; a sprouting new flower, a breathtaking sunrise, the picturesque full moon, the dogs all playing and running, the spider spinning her web, the puffy white clouds obscuring the bright blue sky, the vigorous sound of thunder and the rhythm of the rain. A mother bird bring her open mouthed young provisions for breakfast, and the stars I look up to each night as I thank God for my life, the beauty He gave me, the love He gave me, and the know how for doing things to help myself and the attitude to get it done.

So today, as I celebrate the season of Lent, I again thank God for me, simple old me, for who I am, for what I have, and for the love in my heart that overflows each day.

The Night Before Dogmas

‘Twas the night before Dogmus, and all through the pound, not a puppy was yelping or playing around. Our leashes were hung by our kennels with care, in hopes that St> Bernard would soon find us there.

Chihuahuas were curled up all snug in their beds, while visions of doggie treats danced in their heads. Max in his collar, dreaming of someone’s lap, had tucked in his tail for a midwinter’s nap.

When outside the room there arose such a clatter, my ears perked right up to hear what was the matter.

Away to the window I scampered with glee, and barked at the shadows that were cast by the tree.

The glow from the moon changed night into day, and started me thinking, “Woof, woof, time to play.”

When what with my puppy-dog eyes did I see, but a splendid dogsled, led my doggies like me!

With a regal furred driver, commanding, not stern; I yelped to the others, “That must be St. Bern!”

As rapid as greyhounds, our saviors they came, so we barked and we howled and called them by name.

“There’s Duchess! There’s King, Fat Chance, and Bare Buffy! On Fido, On Scooter! On Rover, and Scruffy! Go by the red hydrant and run past those trees! Nothing can stop you, not even some fleas!”

As puppies at play chase after a stick, and race to their masters so lovely and quick, So out in the field his canines all flew, catching the Frisbees the good St. Bernard threw.

And then in an instant I heard at the door the scratching and clawing of each little paw. As I pulled in my nose and was turning around, in through the door St. Bernard came with a bound!

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his tail, and his wooden cask was adorned with an icing of hail. A bag of chew toys he had brought in with him, and his mouth was turned up in what looked like a grin.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His ears flopped, how merry! His coat shown like crystal, his nose like a cherry! His big sloppy mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the fur on his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a bone he held tight in his teeth, and his collar encircled his neck like a wreath. He had a large face and furry round belly that shook when he barked, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was fluffy and plump, a big cuddly old pooch, and I laughed when I saw him and gave him a smooch! With wink of his eye and a wag of his tail, we knew right away we’d have homes without fail.

He gave not a howl, but went straight to his deed, and took down the leaches that soon we would need. He opened the door and families stood there, with children, all smiling, and much love to spare.

He leaped to his sled, to his team gave a call, and away they all flew as if chasing a ball. But I heard him exclaim, as he chewed on his bone:

“HAPPY DOGMUS TO ALL AND ALL TO A GOOD HOME!”

Crate time again

Well it is crate time again. When I came home at lunch yesterday all the boys were good, no accidents and everything in its place. When I came home from work same again, no messes and everything in its place. WOW a great day and I was ecstatic that they had finally calmed down and could behave while I was at work.

Okay so I now go sit on the front porch to talk to my brother and I was out there maybe 15 minutes tops! I saw hubby’s truck pulling up the road so I went inside to get dinner on the table, I did not expect what I was about to find and wanted to just scream. I saw Marley on the floor with what looked like stuffing from a chew toy, but wait; he is not allowed to have them as he tears them up in seconds. I then look at the couch, it has a large, very large rip and the stuffing that Marley was chewing on had come from the couch. I immediately told my brother that I had to go, hubby was home and the dogs had chewed the couch!

Okay, react mode, run and get a sheet and place it over the couch, no sense in upsetting hubby as soon as he walks in. It didn’t take but a minute for him to say, “What did the dogs do that you have a sheet on the couch?” I told him, don’t look, and explained what had happened. I can’t believe he stayed calm; I thought for sure he would freak out big time.

So today I spoke to someone at work that has a crate that was big enough for two puppy German Shepard’s that would have been large enough for one full grown, so yes, I accepted his offer to take it off his hands on Monday.

I have tried to let them be free, but even I have a breaking point. They have about 10 toys left on the floor each day to play with, some are even Kongs with treats and there are always three rawhides as well. I think Marley just has to have a soft chew toy and since I will not give him one (they last only seconds and I don't want him to choke on it)the couch was it this time for both of us.

Until tomorrow…