Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Life. I sit and wonder if this is the life I was given, or the life I have chosen, or was it just random acts that brought me to where I am? I am confident, like me, most of you dreamed when you were a young child about what your future would be like. I always prayed first just to make it to adulthood and after that, I lived in a perfect fairytale in my future life. Complete will all the furry animals in the forest that walked and talked and were my very best friends, prince charming would tell me how pretty I was every day, the beautiful dresses and the figure to wear them, the bluebirds singing pleasing music and floating around and around. The sun was always shining and the scenic view was of rolling hills blanketed with sweet dainty flowers. Soft breezes and fluffy clouds up in the blue blue sky.

WAKE UP, and when I did, there were no bluebirds singing in my ear, just loud voices that began to sound like blah blah blah. Early wake ups and hard work, no prince charming to sweep me away and make me the happiest woman in all the land. There was no soft bed which to lay my head upon, in real life it was just an old sleeping bag on the floor. No fancy clothes adorned my not so perfect body shape, and any pretty flowers were covered in brown sloshed snow out my city window. The dreams of childhood began to fade with each passing day, real life was taking over and it was not looking like anyplace I wanted to stay for very long. When reality turns out to be a complete 360 from your dreams you began to doubt that any happiness is in your future and if and when will it ever get there.

When I did find happiness, it faded much to quickly, leaving me to feel alone and isolated, unloved and uncared for, as if I were to just fade away it would be okay, there wasn’t anyone to come look for me. The years go by and the silliness of fairytale made me laugh, for real…hard belly laughs. Not because they are adolescent poppycock filling us with artificial ideas, but because I knew who I was, and where I had come from, and almost daily kicked myself for believing in all that “perfect sunny days, prince charming, bluebird signing” crap. Who believes in that shit anyhow, I did, but like many little girls before me, we wake up and learn the truths. The furry animals in the forest get shot and eaten, prince charming is an unemployed self centered jerk, the sun is covered by pollution, the dresses all alluring and flowing are only worn in the movies, us real ladies wear work uniforms.

So again, I am back where I started, is this the life I was given, the life I have made, or the random acts…I can only tell you for sure, it ain’t no fairytale.

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