Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Life is not always sunny side up

Did you ever wish that you could stop time, now I know almost everyone has? I admit I too wish this, not to stop wrinkles from invading my face, or to stop the body from sagging, or to stop the weight from adhering to the thighs. I wish I could have stopped time about nine years ago.

Nine years ago my hubby and I were so engrossed with each other, we had it all; the newness and infatuation, love and passion, the carefree life without the big house and all the responsibilities we seem to have today. Each day was filled with ecstasy and bliss and oh so less tiring and hectic.

Now today we have a three bedroom house, three dogs, one cat, two full-time jobs, a large back and front yard to care for, four vehicles to keep clean, and so on. We had less nine years ago, but in many ways we had so much more, we had more of each other and less of the “things”. We still had two dogs and two cats, I could never ever live without my babies, but the house was smaller, the chores were less, and our attitudes in life were more carefree and less complicated.

Today we are closer in our relationship mentally and yet the physical has begun to lessen, the sizzling fervor is not as frequent; I am up each morning between 4:30am and 5:00am so you can guess that I am usually in bed at 9:00. I work a full time job with a minimum of five hours overtime each week, and I need not preach to do the woman’s choir, all the work we do in our homes either before or after, and most times a combination of both, when we finish with our “real” job. It almost feels as if I no longer choose what to do each day, the job, the chores, the fur-children, and even things like the weather now dictate what I am to do almost every minute of every day and energy is a word that is no longer in my vocabulary.

I have been diagnosed with depression in the past, and if I were ever to divulge my past relating to my childhood and young adulthood you would understand why. Serious depression is not the one or two days you are feeling sad, or the grief you may experience during a loss, it is a somber life alternating condition that steals your life one day at a time.

First you lose your desire to do the things that once you brought joy, you stop going out and cease to interact with humans whenever possible, you just feel like sleeping all the time, you lose your desire to perform your daily activities, are irritable, have a loss of appetite, inability to concentrate, memory problems, and aches and pains. It is no joke to be this depressed and when you finally realize this is happening it is when you know you have to seek help. I did and I got better and I met the wonderful man I am married to and life was astonishingly incredible, like I was just born and the entire world was new and exciting, and it was sunny every day. It was as if I had never smiled before and now I just could not stop.

I am still very much in love with my husband, he is my whole world, but yet I feel some of the old feelings creeping back in and I know I have to do something about it, but I am just unsure what to do. I have tried all the latest medications and none work, or if they do work, they cause me too many side effects that I throw them away. I don’t want to see a “professional” as I don’t feel I have gone that far to the dark side, I still see the sun, just not as often as I did nine years ago…or even three years ago. So today as I am home baking for Thanksgiving tomorrow, I wonder what happened to that young lady that once lived each day with such zealous, when I seeked excitement and had so much optimism. I am hopeful that this has been brought on in part because of my dad’s passing three years ago, dwelling on the fact that my family is so small and the ones I love the most, my brother and his family live in NY, the stress of my on going back problems, and the stress of work, and a few other things that I will just keep inside. My biggest worry doesn’t have to do with me, it has to do with my husband, he thinks I am depressed because of something he has done or not done, and that is so untrue, he is the one that is bringing me sunshine each day and without him there would be all darkness, he is still the love of my life and for him, I will seek a way to find myself and bring back that young lady that was filled with joy and laughed; I know she is still in me and I won’t give up looking for her.

So with tomorrow being Thanksgiving I am thankful for my loving and devoted husband, my family and friends, my fur-children, and I am so thankful for life; I may not be perfect at this moment of time in my life, but my life is more perfect than most.

1 comment:

Steve-O said...

You do have a lot to be thankful about today - the past always gets better and better with time!
Don't discount getting professional help. Why not consider a visit as a preventative tune-up, rather than waiting for things to be worse?
Enjoy your Thanksgiving - eat, veg out, drink wine, cuddle with hubby!
Your bud,
"Doctor" Steve-O