Thursday, October 6, 2011
Within a week of Scooby’s passing, thinking it had been one of the worst weeks in my life, I was about to be violently awakened from my current sorrow and mourning as this week was not over yet. My husband’s mother passed away from melanoma, we knew it was near, but you can never really be prepared for the actual moment. The tears begin to flow down my cheeks; like a river had overflowed it bank. Resisting was not an option, it would have been a futile attempt at best. My eyes were almost swollen shut and a deep red painted across the whites. I was sitting there in a paper gown sobbing for the loss of my best friend Scooby and my future mother-in-law as the doctor continued with his speech, “I am sorry, the body has a way of terminating a pregnancy when something is wrong.” He was telling me that I was not done with experiencing grief of loved ones this week just yet, he was telling me my precious, tiny, beautiful baby was now an angel in heaven looking down upon me. At this moment I am broken, I slump out of my chair and onto the floor, thinking this is not happening, it is a bad dream and I need to wake up immediately. I don’t wake up because I am in the real and cruel world wide awake, heartbroken, crushed, all thoughts racing together as I try and grasp for air. My lungs are burring begging me to breath, and I did, finally, but why? Did I really need to continue to go on? These three loses in one week took everything I had inside and left me a cold and hollow shell.
I went to the funeral and I went for my surgery to cleanse the womb, and then I went to bed, and I stayed in that bed for almost two weeks. I could not find the strength to get up and go on and smile and be happy. It was too soon, my heart was still in pieces to small to repair just yet, my bedroom presented me the silence that was essential to me. I was vacant inside and I didn’t feel anything, it was almost as if I passed away that same week as well.
On the third week I was getting up and showering and doing all the normal things except work, I had not returned to work yet. I was still in a serious depression so the tasks I preformed were completed without much thought or care. The answer to my sorrow was just moments away. I decided to sit outside in the cool fresh air and maybe read or write. I did neither, I got out front and I watched the neighbor’s dogs run and play and bark and then all at once all four came rushing toward me like a heard of cattle looking for some hugs and a treat. I realized right at that moment surrounded by four very large and slobbering dogs what I must do.
I made some calls and jumped in the car and followed the directions to the narrow dirt road I was to turn onto. I really believe it was my “road to recovery”. Down at the end of the little dirt road stood a small gray building surrounded by trees and outdoor kennels. The noise was music to my ears, the smell was enticing to my nose, and the sight brought my heart alive and my eyes to dry. I brought home Otis on this day of despair, he was not as young as I had wanted, but he was simply adorable and so lovable and huggable, just like a baby. He is still my “favorite child” among our fur-children and I know he was a gift from God to help in my healing. Had it not been for the healing power of this fur-child I can only surmise as to what condition mentally I would have progressed to that week and the couple weeks past.
To me dogs are much better than humans in so many ways I lode count, I know hey love me unconditionally and with out looking for praise upon themselves or anything in return. They love me for me, just plain old ordinary me…what more could a human ask for? Very little can live up to or compare, if you find something does, grab it, because it goes above and beyond the standard human and the feeling you can achieve is super-human in a world full of sub-humans. Hug your pups and keep those tails wagging.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Special moments fall apart, love dissolves, and the raging fire simmers to embers. What once was is replaced, some little by little, others all at once, leaving your heart and head breathless, grasping to embrace what it is already gone. We all move on when these life altering events in time take place, what other choice do we have? I have never felt as if I was in definitive control of my life and how it develops and scuffles along. The challenges, the losses, the heartaches, the closeness, the triumphs and the anguish all play a leading role in who I am today. As to where I will be tomorrow? It is still a coveted mystery that has yet to unveil itself to even me.
I have progressed in life and I was abandoned as well. I have succeeded in life and have fallen flat on my face. I have given my love and received both love and hated in response. I at times have attempted to be rubber and let the worst of the worst bounce off ,and yet, the scars are definitely attached to my heart where the horrific times penetrated hard. Being a human means you will never not feel, be it the best, or the worst.
I have been at crossroads in the past, for the most part I think I made the correct decision in the direction I choose, but I am now haunted that some of my decisions were made in haste by a very disturbed and in turmoil mind. I did not trust nor follow my heart, disregarding what it was feeling while chasing a carrot that turned out to be a putrid lemon.
I am happy, I am alive, breathing and walking, and sharing life with those that I choose to be with. My fur-children are my security blanket as they have been my entire life. I cannot see the future spread out in front of me and yet I have a wonderful overwhelming feeling it is going to be incredibly special and overflowing with a love as great as a love ever was.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
very quickly and yet, at times, it just seems to stand still. I have tried to destroy the unpleasant experiences, the naughty times, the remorseful actions, and the damaging people from my past, but I can’t, they will forever be just what they are, my past. My past bears a resemblance to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. I was anguished when I was young and I had remained that way for many decades and to be honest I still am a bit today. When you are young everyone tells you, “it’s okay, your young move on get past it.” or, “you will laugh about this one day when you are older.” Some things I did, and some things I didn’t, I just couldn’t. I lost a few very precious and loving souls during this time in my life when I was so mixed with emotions from hatred, to love, to who cares. I was so tired of being used and abused that when I had genuine devotion and love screaming in my face and holding on for dear life right beside me I couldn’t-wouldn’t see it. People beat me, raped me, used me, and now, after all that, I was to genuinely believe someone loved me…not possible, it was a lie, my mother told me no one would or could ever love me. I know now I was asphyxiating any spark that had grown and flourished and removed myself as far away as I could right then and there, my heart had been thrown to hell and back and I could not handle one more tear, or crack, or ache. I know now I lost and cast away many precious and wonderful gifts, but I was just not cable of love in my condition back then. Oh I did love and was loved but not in the way it was meant to be, everlasting, encompassing, engulfing oneself in a never look back kind of way. It was more like finding fault, fixating on a bad habit, and then running away and casting the blame elsewhere. When you are as broken and defeated as I was back then, I was destined to destroy any goodness in my life while looking and preparing for the bad and evil every moment of the day. I knew, I knew, I just knew, it had to be around the corner and coming after me with a vengeance, there was no escape from the doom my life was to encounter. I walked away many times from those who honestly loved me, cared about me, wanted me, just for me, and I am truly sorry. I just couldn’t believe I was capable of true happiness and love with the heart very deeply and honestly. Love is something I did not identify with or really deep down ever imagine was possible until much later in my life. The only real love I felt was that from my four-legged furry friends, not humans. Humans could not be trusted and they continued to prove that to me each and every day. They didn’t care about me, have concern for me or my health, they just used me to take what they needed and cast me aside until they needed me again. Humans are capable of inflicting pain, and this they did, so much so it blinded me from seeing what was right there in my arms and begging to stay in my heart. I cannot replace what once was wrong and make it right, time continues to move on and we must learn to forgive ourselves, our mistakes, and judge not our decisions. Life is ever evolving and we learn as we grow, but sometimes, oh yea sometimes, I wish I knew then what I is clearly undeniable now. Hug you beloved pets, they love you more than anyone else ever could, because their love is unconditional.
Happy Tail Wagging and may love find it’s way to your heart each and every day.