Thursday, April 28, 2011

“My Life, Uncut and Unedited”

The storm has passed and today the four baby birds in our birdhouse are rejoicing as they wait for momma bird to bring them breakfast in bed. Below their home the fragrant flowers are all standing at attention waving up to the big blue sky in all their glorious colors. Today is a great day; I will make sure it is.

There are so many clich├ęs out in the written world, “life is like a box of chocolate”, “when at first you don’t succeed…”, only the good die young”, “when the world gives you lemons…” and so on. I used to think that life was what was given to you, that it just happened. I was wrong, very wrong.

My life was at one time so horrific with black clouds filling my every scene, I cried through the entire production when others were not looking at me on stage. I was a drifter in my own mind wondering from place to place looking for the escape hatch. I found it one day, it was labeled courage.

I embraced my new found courage and walked out of the scenes that had me in harms way, the fights, the anger, the hate. I looked at myself and realized I was all I had and I was going to make it to the big stage one day, people would know me, respect me, and love me.

I left behind every bit of despair and wondered through the streets not yet knowing where my next gig would be, when I might eat again, even where I might sleep. It didn’t matter as it once did, I had courage now and it was all I needed to keep me walking straight ahead and not looking back.

I did make it one day, many years and many struggles later. It was to say the least, glorious! I found my soul mate, I found my talent, and I found that God never forgot who I was and where I was, I was the one that needed the reminder. I did not belong where I once came from, it was a mistake of epic proportions and although I cannot erase the events completely from my memories, I know they are there only to remind me of how far I have come. I overcame hell on earth to be where I am today and I know now life is not just “what happens” it is all about what you make of it, today, tomorrow, and the day after. I control my life. I not only play the staring role, I am the writer, the director, and the producer of this original screen place called, “My Life, Uncut and Unedited” and as of today, my four dogs will tell you, I am wagging my tail to a happy beat day after day.

If you are not happy, make a change and get happy for we only have precious little time here on earth, make it worth the trip.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Love

When I was a child I used to love to go to the mall with my best friend and just sit and people watch. Granted, I was not always nice in my thoughts and comments in regard to all the people I saw. The words I spoke were not meant to bring harm to the people, it was merely a way for me to take the ugliness I felt about myself and place it somewhere else, if even for just a couple hours.

I was not a loved child, I had an abusive parent, I was fat, I did not like who I was at all. But as I grew up I learned I was who God made me to be and I had better start liking me or my life would be lived in sadness. It was not an easy task, liking myself, my birth mother was constantly telling me what a loser I was, how ugly I was, and that I would amount to nothing at all in my pitiful existence.

I proved her wrong many times over and I still am today. What I have been thinking most about these last few days, is why is she still slandering my name to all she meets and talks to? Why does she get so much delight from being hateful and character assassination? How did I, a kind hearted and loving person ever come from the womb of a evil soul that only wishes to wreck havoc on her on blood for shear pleasure?

Well, to that question I will never have an answer, but I did answer a question about me and my life. I am who God made me to be. I have found my soul mate and married him, I love animals and they love me back 100%, I love to cook and experiment with food, I love hosting children from other countries and having them grow and mature with the guidance of my nurturing and kindness. I love to clean my home and make it a place to snuggle down and find tranquility and love no matter what room you enter. I seek other’s approval, and yet, I don’t need it to feel good about who and what I am.

I matured without a mother’s affection and support and yet I have become a woman whose heart is bigger than the moon, loves those that love me back, and know that I was born from wickedness. But by the grace of God, I have eradicated every last drop of blood within me that contained abhorrence. My life was never perfect, is still not perfect, but I know I am as close to perfect as I can be. I have learned if you cannot share love, create love, or teach love, you will never experience love, and without love, there is nothing but a hollow existence. Start today by loving who you are as a person for you cannot give love away to others if you don't first have love inside you to share.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Farewell again Katharina

As I watched her on the escalator travel up and then up further to a place I could no longer view her waving hand or her beautiful hazel eyes with a hint of moisture, I immediately broke down my tough girl face and cried as if I were forever lost and all alone although standing in a crowded and bustling airport. Saying good-bye to Katharina this morning matched what it must feel like to have a large part of your tender and beating heart ripped out in a flash of a second.

As I drove home in silence, with tears streaming down my freshly washed and make-up face, I realized it was not that she was gone again that hurt so much, it was that my heart was again so full of her smile, her love, her accent speaking to me in a way only she can, for the new memories that we have made, it is this that hurts so much when she leaves. It was just moments ago we were still creating new memories and then, the next she is gone. I suddenly feel we need more, NOW, not in a year or two, right NOW…I want you back by my side and forever hugging my soul as you hug my heart as only you can.

Upon entering my home after the trip back from the airport, I feel as my oldest dog Otis looks, the sad and droopy eyes, the sorrow upon his face, the looking behind me for Katharina who had followed behind me now since Monday. I lower myself to pat his head and to tell him that she is off again on a fantastic journey and smile as I say the words, for she is my journey around the globe as I feel and learn through the captured stills she sends to me, and the words that follow them. So yes, Otis and I will now rest together, both of us I am sure feeling sad, but oh so happy for the hugs and time we have had this week with someone we both love so dearly.

I can not end this blog without saying how extremely swollen with pride I am of her accomplishments over the last six years and the true reason she is back in the states. She is off to represent her country at the United Nations in NYC. My daughter is an example to all, that with determination, little money, and a little help along the way, a big dream can come true if you truly want it to. She is on her way to greatness and to “save the world”, and as funny as it may sound, I know she will.

Remember a daughter does not have had to come from your womb, she only has had to enter your heart. Until next time Katharina, all my love…