Monday, April 25, 2011


When I was a child I used to love to go to the mall with my best friend and just sit and people watch. Granted, I was not always nice in my thoughts and comments in regard to all the people I saw. The words I spoke were not meant to bring harm to the people, it was merely a way for me to take the ugliness I felt about myself and place it somewhere else, if even for just a couple hours.

I was not a loved child, I had an abusive parent, I was fat, I did not like who I was at all. But as I grew up I learned I was who God made me to be and I had better start liking me or my life would be lived in sadness. It was not an easy task, liking myself, my birth mother was constantly telling me what a loser I was, how ugly I was, and that I would amount to nothing at all in my pitiful existence.

I proved her wrong many times over and I still am today. What I have been thinking most about these last few days, is why is she still slandering my name to all she meets and talks to? Why does she get so much delight from being hateful and character assassination? How did I, a kind hearted and loving person ever come from the womb of a evil soul that only wishes to wreck havoc on her on blood for shear pleasure?

Well, to that question I will never have an answer, but I did answer a question about me and my life. I am who God made me to be. I have found my soul mate and married him, I love animals and they love me back 100%, I love to cook and experiment with food, I love hosting children from other countries and having them grow and mature with the guidance of my nurturing and kindness. I love to clean my home and make it a place to snuggle down and find tranquility and love no matter what room you enter. I seek other’s approval, and yet, I don’t need it to feel good about who and what I am.

I matured without a mother’s affection and support and yet I have become a woman whose heart is bigger than the moon, loves those that love me back, and know that I was born from wickedness. But by the grace of God, I have eradicated every last drop of blood within me that contained abhorrence. My life was never perfect, is still not perfect, but I know I am as close to perfect as I can be. I have learned if you cannot share love, create love, or teach love, you will never experience love, and without love, there is nothing but a hollow existence. Start today by loving who you are as a person for you cannot give love away to others if you don't first have love inside you to share.


~Marie~ said...

Great post CC. Hope all is well. :-)

myrna said...

Very moving and insightful. I will try to do this "Start today by loving who you are as a person for you cannot give love away to others if you don't first have love inside you to share." I have never been able to do that, but I still can say, I Love You

Jeanne said...

I had no idea someone with so much love came from that past. You are a such a loving person and have so much to give. Can't even begin to write the way I feel about your parents and the way they treated you.
Keep loving those you come in contact with and it will in turn come back to you- as you have already experienced.
Your writing moves me.