Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year

Today is New Year’s Eve, the eve of new beginnings and the day we are “supposed” to make our resolutions for the glorious New Year about to unfold. We are supposed to pack away all the ugly and soulless experiences of the past year and make promises to ourselves of greater things to be; a wiped clean slate in which we inaugurate the incoming year with promise and hope.

The gym memberships rise this time of year as does I am sure the sales of natural vitamins. Many are tossing out their bleached white bread and sugar cookies in preparation of stocking their refrigerator and pantry with healthy and organic foods. Detailed lists are being compiled outlining the promises of new and wondrous habits and behavior; quit smoking, lose weight, eat healthy, finish projects already begun months ago or maybe even start a new one. Clean the hall closet or attic, finish a book started months ago, train the dog to do tricks. We all have something on our personal detailed list that is either telling us to stop something bad, or to start something good.

I have not made such a list this year; oh sure I need to lose a few pounds (okay more like a few in the 10 pound range), I should quit smoking (again), and I desperately need to clean my closet, but why do I need to say it has to happen tomorrow morning? Isn’t that just setting myself up for failure? Telling the whole world I have finally, once and for all, made the decision to do what I have been unable to do now for years. As if something magical happens at midnight and just like that my mind is overflowing with only high expectations and goal orientated good, I can tell you right now, it won’t happen.

Oh I know I will eventually clean out the closet, lose a few pounds, and hopefully quit smoking without gaining another twenty pounds, but I will do this on my time, not the world clock and I will not be at the grocery store tomorrow buying all organic foods or watching videos on how to train my four dogs to be better in the new year. To do so would be fooling myself into believing that because the date has changed I have also changed.

I am eternally evolving and unpredictable, we all are to some degree, but for tonight I will share some quiet moments of relaxation, snuggle with my dogs, see the ball drop at midnight, open the front door and invite the new year into my home to bring me peace and happiness. Then I will go to sleep knowing I am a good human with kindness in my heart and hopeful dreams that someday I will ultimately reach all my goals, but not in one day with the world watching.

Happy New Year everyone, and please, go easy on yourselves and be safe

Always remember only God loves you more than your dog.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Can You

Can you have a conversation without spoken words?
I believe you can.

Can you love without ever touching it?
I believe you can.

Can a broken heart be broken into even smaller pieces?
I believe it can.



If you forgive and forget, will you never think of it?
I don’t believe you can.

If you don’t respect yourself, will you flourish?
I don’t believe you can.

If you have no life within you, can you ever be happy ?
I don’t believe you can.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Dogs are Family Members

A dog is not a possession, it is a family member.

A dog is not to live outside, who else in your family does?

A dog should be treated with respect and love.

If your idea is to “buy” a dog and chain it outside, then you don’t deserve a dog.

If you do not feel emotions for your dog, you don’t deserve the love of a dog.

If you cannot accept the rules of a caring partnership with your dog, then don’t get a dog.

Always remember, only God loves you more than your dog.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Memories at the Tree

I am sitting quietly this morning gazing at our beautiful Christmas tree with all the lights twinkling. Last night was set aside for us to adorn the tree with our loving hands hanging irreplaceable and evocative ornaments. The candles were glowing, the aroma of coffee and pine meshed together and filled our nostrils. As I sipped on my warm and frothy Irish coffee, I affectionately watched Ana with awe. She is an incredible blessing sent to me; a child whom I’ve come to love as a daughter. I watched as she carefully selected an ornament and then the perfect location to hang it, all while talking and smiling and enjoying the moment.

I did pause a little as I partook in this “family” night remembering past loved ones whom have gone. One by one they came, they meandered into my thoughts, they gave me a smile, and then they slowly faded away again. I too was smiling as I remembered all the love my heart still feels for them individually as they all have left me with such loving memories and cherished time. I will never stop thinking about the special ones that touched my heart as they “own” that piece within me for all eternity. Beautiful and memorable is how I would describe last night. Warm and cozy in flannel on the outside warm and cozy on the inside by the Irish coffee, memories of all the loved ones in my life, past and present, including the four legged ones.

Always remember that our best friends walk beside us on four legs; that compassion isn’t only for humans; and that the relationship between two souls meant for each other never really comes to an end.

Please hugs your pups because only God loves you more.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Life, Love, and Friendship


Life, love, and friendship. Three separate facets all very important on their own. When blended they become a harmonious pleasure of delight and contentment. It is almost as if you can hear the harp and the angels in heaven singing a love song just for you. My wish is that everyone reading this today can feel warmth in their heart, the angel's songs, and abundant affection overflowing and reaching the very soul of the one that makes your life brimming with love and friendship.

Remember to always hug your dogs because only God loves you more.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Love of a Woman


My poor baby Abby suffered an injury and had to have a minor surgery on Monday. She somehow spilt her nail and the quick into two separate halves. The vet had to sedate her, cut the entire nail off up to the highest point and wrapped it and gave her some pain meds and an antibiotic for a week. We go back next Monday to see how it is healing. All I can say is it is a full time job trying to get her to keep the gauze bandage on and now with this rain to keep it dry.

Just when I was feeling some very difficult heartache and pain in my life, this happened, it is as if God had this minor injury happen with Abby to take my mind off myself and my issues and be the loving caregiver I need to be for her. Taking care of her this week will be a full time job, but my dogs are my security blanket and my happiness when I am saddened and blue.

My heart has been bounced around and my head has been spinning to the point I am dizzy and very tired. Love is such a very fragile emotion and when you feel your heart has been ignored you cannot help but feel lost, sad, and empty. Just as bad is when you give your heart and promises to someone and they refuses to see their own errors and turn their hurt/anger onto you. I know now, it is the honesty and the commitment, the true feelings from deep within, the courage to say you are sorry, and the willingness to make things a little better each and everyday that is needed to secure a lasting love relationship. I am not perfect, I too make mistakes but I have no regrets; I just follow my heart to where it has brought me and I know I have to work and do whatever I can as well to make this last forever. I am simple really, I ask only for an I love you every day, a kiss goodbye and a kiss hello, honest thoughts and feelings, a phone call returned, a message sent with only loving words and sealed and signed with a kiss. Woman are not hard to figure out, we just need love, attention, and to never be turned away or ignored when we really need to talk to the one we love. If the man of my heart is not willing to give me a few minutes when I need them the most, then I can promise they won’t last in my heart very long. Love me as I should be loved and cared for, and you will have me and my love forever. There is such a man, and he is the love of my life and keeps showing me he loves me, cares about me, and is willing to be there for me 100%. Love is special and I will always from this point on treat it with the respect and attention it needs.

Don’t forget to hug your pups because only God loves you more.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Perfect Love


I always thought for sure there was no such thing as a perfect love, but now I think differently. A broken heart from a loved one hurts, it stings, and it burns, but it can be repaired with new promises made and old mistakes cast aside. A new future plan laid out for the continued journey and a promise of the two hearts are 100% in agreement that this love affair is what they need, want, and are willing to work at, a perfect love is possible. Nothing is ever the best it can be the first time around, it takes falling down and asking for forgiveness and giving of yourself to make it move past the hard times and into the new beginning. Love is a very difficult emotion, it can make you feel the most unparalleled best you have ever felt in your life or it can make you crawl into the deepest darkest place in your soul. I find that honesty, communication, trust, a giving heart, and forgiveness, can make a relationship sustain for years, but the look in each others eyes, the closeness of a hug, you know the snuggle factor, a soft kiss, holding of hands, a whisper in the ear saying "I love you", and a beautiful smile also make the love grow stronger. There is no one answer for all, but if you can love with an open honest heart, soften your tone when a loved one is hurting, listen to your loved one, and always end your written sentences to to your love with a sign off of “I love you” even if you are a bit upset at that moment then I think you can be pretty sure your love will last forever. Never give up, and always make your loved one feel as if it is the last day you will be together, because some day, it will be.

Remember hug your pups because only God loves you more than your dogs.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Life and The Journey

Life is a strange and wonderful experience. I have had a life that some would envy and yet others would trade for the big box on the floor or what‘s behind curtain number one. I won’t bore anyone with the details because they are not the many point here today.

When I was younger, so much younger than today…sorry just had to. So as I was saying, when I was younger, the older generation would tell me that life is what you make it, life is meant to be lived, life is a journey, and so on. Well, now that I am among the, ahem, older generation, I one hundred percent agree with those wise philosophers of my past, so yes Virgina, life really is a journey.

The journey each of us is on is boundless and distinct; even family members do not have the same journey as you do, or I do. A life's journey is as unique as two snowflakes and the one you have is yours and yours alone and even if I don’t buy into that whole, life is what you make it farce, it is something you need to work on each and every day. Just as a champion rose gardener has to cultivate and meticulously be aware of what is in proximity to the roses, what might invade the roses, what the dangers are, and just as important, what the marvelous and mind-blowing essentials are. We must learn to make this same type of dedication with our lives.

I have learned just recently that if you want something very special, ask for it. If you want to be treated special, ask for it. If you need something you are not getting in a relationship, then ask for. Only then, if it cannot be given and you insist you must have it, then your journey must take you in the direction that can provide you with what you desire. Sometimes we humans get so caught up in our everyday tasks in life that we forget to take time for ourselves and our happiness. It shouldn’t be complicated at all, a slow walk holding hands, a dinner for two homemade with love, a wet sloppy dog kiss (no French kissing please), the sun rise, the laugh of a baby, the breath of a puppy, simple pleasures life can give us with little effort and huge rewards.

Don’t take life so seriously, you will get hurt more than if you take a relaxed and comfortable stance as you walk the path on your journey. Your path may have a rainbow’s pot of gold at the end, or maybe just a simple good night kiss from the one you love; either way, I would consider myself blessed.

Don’t forget to hug your pups and remember, only God loves you more than your dog.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Why Does it Hurt So Much?

I am in daily pain so naturally when I am online I seek blogs and articles on pain; a very sad revelation for me was to realize so many people like me are in pain.

Since I was told of my RA I have asked God and anyone listening, why does it hurt so much? It is not only a physical pain it transfers over into every aspect of my daily life. I have not received an answer to my question on why it hurts so much, and to be honest, I don’t expect one, sad to say I do find comfort from the knowledge that I am not alone in my battle. People grieve over a lost loved one or friend, but people also, like me, grieve over the loss of good heath.

So I, as many others do every day across the world muse, why does life have to hurt so much? Children our the innocence in our lives and their little brains are always asking questions like, where does rain come from, why do dogs bark, how did they build such a tall building, or where do babies come from? The children grow and go to school and are taught the answers to all these questions and given answers to questions they had not even asked yet. But there is one question to which we never get an answer, why does suffering exists?

I have learned from all my reading that we must all find some part of this answer ourselves, from within. As we live our lives we continue to seek the knowledge to advance forward, reach upwards, and never stop looking for an answer…for if we do, our very souls establish we are forever destined to suffer and become locked into a dark dangerous place where there is no light or hope.

In order for me to feel comfort and to find an inner peace to my pain and suffering, I seek out unconditional love for it is the everlasting hope within me that pushes me onward. I find comfort in my family and loved ones, but it doesn’t measure up to the love I receive from my dogs, every day, every hour, every second, they are there for me with wet sloppy kisses and are willing snuggle babies that can outdo a box of tissues any day for tears and fears. They are such simple creatures, and yet they bring this unequaled reassurance and calm to my life.

We all search for answers and clarifications on how to make it through the rest of our lives when we are faced with grim and radical changes in our bodies. It affects not just us but our loved ones as well. It also engulfs with it our finances, our daily activities, our four legged children, and our friends. Our desires and dreams and all the plans laid out for our life into old age and retirement; taken away with the pain that came washing ashore and went out to sea again taking with it our life expectations and so much more.

So I try to accept as many wet kisses as I can get, try to smile though the pain, and laugh at the amount of pills I must swallow each and every day. Life may not be fair, and it may be full of pain, but I am still here, breathing and alive, able to still ask the question, why does life hurt so much?

I consider myself blessed and thank God everyday I am granted a new sunrise and a new wet sloppy kiss.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Passion

Our finest moments come from our source of passion. Most would describe love and passion in the same definition, but this is not so. Passion lies within all of us. Passion speaks to us with acuity and can reveal itself as a assortment of human emotions as it waits patiently within. Passion is always lurking, guiding, influencing, hibernating. It can be a beast that consumes us in a rage, it can bring us euphoric ecstasy, it steers us on a journey and dominates our very souls. Our grief evolves from the beast of passion and yet so does our love, at times the passion overwhelms us and we hate it but how do we live with out it? True inner peace may come from the extraction of passion from our core, but what would remain if the passion was gone? An emptiness so hollow and dank that we may just consider the fact that we are no more, for passion is what gives us life and without the unwavering passion will unquestionably come a certain death.

My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am. Please remember to hug your pups.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Stormy Inside

Have you ever had a time in your life when things were all going so happily and there was nothing but sunshine beaming down upon your world? That is where I used to be in my head, for a period of time before the storm clouds and grey skies moved in. They seemed to have entered with a swift and dramatically forceful entry, but I know the more realistic version is they were creeping ever closer and I just kept ignoring them. I construe my heart and soul is thrashing about trying to eradicate itself from the rampant turmoil inside of me and be free from the pain and agony. My body incessantly shakes and quivers as it labors to find a tranquility within. I do not know how to break off this crazy merry-go-round it just keeps spinning and spinning and playing over and over this horrific mocking song as it rotates me under the storm clouds.

Always remember to hug the pups, as only God loves you more than they do.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Adopted Saved my Life


Most of my loyal readers know I currently have four fur-children living with me. They are all rescues from local shelters here in SC except for my oldest beautiful boy Otis. Otis came into my life as I was recuperating from both physical pain and emotional pain. During the course of ten days, my beloved first rescue dog Scooby, whom I adopted a year previous at the age of five, died unexpectedly from something that enlarged his heart and shut down his kidneys in a matter of 24 hours; my best guess is anti-freeze from the neighbors. I held onto Scooby who was lying on the sterile white sheet covering the table at the vet and I gently stroked his face and kept telling him over and over what a good boy he was and how much I loved him. It only took a moment and his tan and white body went limp in my arms, my Scooby was gone. I was still in shock as I exited the vet’s office after paying some dollar amount they needed for the care they had given him and I proceed to a local pub. I laid my head upon the wooden bar top and I cried as if my world had been invaded and they knew what to take to break my heart into a thousand pieces. My Scooby was gone, but I still had something fragile and alive to fight for and hang on to, the beautiful baby that was growing inside me.

Within a week of Scooby’s passing, thinking it had been one of the worst weeks in my life, I was about to be violently awakened from my current sorrow and mourning as this week was not over yet. My husband’s mother passed away from melanoma, we knew it was near, but you can never really be prepared for the actual moment. The tears begin to flow down my cheeks; like a river had overflowed it bank. Resisting was not an option, it would have been a futile attempt at best. My eyes were almost swollen shut and a deep red painted across the whites. I was sitting there in a paper gown sobbing for the loss of my best friend Scooby and my future mother-in-law as the doctor continued with his speech, “I am sorry, the body has a way of terminating a pregnancy when something is wrong.” He was telling me that I was not done with experiencing grief of loved ones this week just yet, he was telling me my precious, tiny, beautiful baby was now an angel in heaven looking down upon me. At this moment I am broken, I slump out of my chair and onto the floor, thinking this is not happening, it is a bad dream and I need to wake up immediately. I don’t wake up because I am in the real and cruel world wide awake, heartbroken, crushed, all thoughts racing together as I try and grasp for air. My lungs are burring begging me to breath, and I did, finally, but why? Did I really need to continue to go on? These three loses in one week took everything I had inside and left me a cold and hollow shell.

I went to the funeral and I went for my surgery to cleanse the womb, and then I went to bed, and I stayed in that bed for almost two weeks. I could not find the strength to get up and go on and smile and be happy. It was too soon, my heart was still in pieces to small to repair just yet, my bedroom presented me the silence that was essential to me. I was vacant inside and I didn’t feel anything, it was almost as if I passed away that same week as well.

On the third week I was getting up and showering and doing all the normal things except work, I had not returned to work yet. I was still in a serious depression so the tasks I preformed were completed without much thought or care. The answer to my sorrow was just moments away. I decided to sit outside in the cool fresh air and maybe read or write. I did neither, I got out front and I watched the neighbor’s dogs run and play and bark and then all at once all four came rushing toward me like a heard of cattle looking for some hugs and a treat. I realized right at that moment surrounded by four very large and slobbering dogs what I must do.

I made some calls and jumped in the car and followed the directions to the narrow dirt road I was to turn onto. I really believe it was my “road to recovery”. Down at the end of the little dirt road stood a small gray building surrounded by trees and outdoor kennels. The noise was music to my ears, the smell was enticing to my nose, and the sight brought my heart alive and my eyes to dry. I brought home Otis on this day of despair, he was not as young as I had wanted, but he was simply adorable and so lovable and huggable, just like a baby. He is still my “favorite child” among our fur-children and I know he was a gift from God to help in my healing. Had it not been for the healing power of this fur-child I can only surmise as to what condition mentally I would have progressed to that week and the couple weeks past.

To me dogs are much better than humans in so many ways I lode count, I know hey love me unconditionally and with out looking for praise upon themselves or anything in return. They love me for me, just plain old ordinary me…what more could a human ask for? Very little can live up to or compare, if you find something does, grab it, because it goes above and beyond the standard human and the feeling you can achieve is super-human in a world full of sub-humans. Hug your pups and keep those tails wagging.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Love and Crossroads





There are only a few things I can recall with unconditional promise and absolute infatuation. There are ways I was held that made me not want to stop. There was a spark placed in my heart that turned into a powerful fire. We don’t experience many moments in life that can stop your heart and encompass your every thought. These irreplaceable life alternating moments don’t last forever no matter how hard we pray to God in heaven to keep this moment alive.

Special moments fall apart, love dissolves, and the raging fire simmers to embers. What once was is replaced, some little by little, others all at once, leaving your heart and head breathless, grasping to embrace what it is already gone. We all move on when these life altering events in time take place, what other choice do we have? I have never felt as if I was in definitive control of my life and how it develops and scuffles along. The challenges, the losses, the heartaches, the closeness, the triumphs and the anguish all play a leading role in who I am today. As to where I will be tomorrow? It is still a coveted mystery that has yet to unveil itself to even me.

I have progressed in life and I was abandoned as well. I have succeeded in life and have fallen flat on my face. I have given my love and received both love and hated in response. I at times have attempted to be rubber and let the worst of the worst bounce off ,and yet, the scars are definitely attached to my heart where the horrific times penetrated hard. Being a human means you will never not feel, be it the best, or the worst.

I have been at crossroads in the past, for the most part I think I made the correct decision in the direction I choose, but I am now haunted that some of my decisions were made in haste by a very disturbed and in turmoil mind. I did not trust nor follow my heart, disregarding what it was feeling while chasing a carrot that turned out to be a putrid lemon.

I am happy, I am alive, breathing and walking, and sharing life with those that I choose to be with. My fur-children are my security blanket as they have been my entire life. I cannot see the future spread out in front of me and yet I have a wonderful overwhelming feeling it is going to be incredibly special and overflowing with a love as great as a love ever was.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Love, can I Believe?



Today I sit and question, speculate, how different a person I am from say 20 years ago. It seems as if the time has gone by so 
very quickly and yet, at times, it just seems to stand still. I have tried to destroy the unpleasant experiences, the naughty times, the remorseful actions, and the damaging people from my past, but I can’t, they will forever be just what they are, my past. My past bears a resemblance to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. I was anguished when I was young and I had remained that way for many decades and to be honest I still am a bit today. When you are young everyone tells you, “it’s okay, your young move on get past it.” or, “you will laugh about this one day when you are older.” Some things I did, and some things I didn’t, I just couldn’t. I lost a few very precious and loving souls during this time in my life when I was so mixed with emotions from hatred, to love, to who cares. I was so tired of being used and abused that when I had genuine devotion and love screaming in my face and holding on for dear life right beside me I couldn’t-wouldn’t see it. People beat me, raped me, used me, and now, after all that, I was to genuinely believe someone loved me…not possible, it was a lie, my mother told me no one would or could ever love me. I know now I was asphyxiating any spark that had grown and flourished and removed myself as far away as I could right then and there, my heart had been thrown to hell and back and I could not handle one more tear, or crack, or ache. I know now I lost and cast away many precious and wonderful gifts, but I was just not cable of love in my condition back then. Oh I did love and was loved but not in the way it was meant to be, everlasting, encompassing, engulfing oneself in a never look back kind of way. It was more like finding fault, fixating on a bad habit, and then running away and casting the blame elsewhere. When you are as broken and defeated as I was back then, I was destined to destroy any goodness in my life while looking and preparing for the bad and evil every moment of the day. I knew, I knew, I just knew, it had to be around the corner and coming after me with a vengeance, there was no escape from the doom my life was to encounter. I walked away many times from those who honestly loved me, cared about me, wanted me, just for me, and I am truly sorry. I just couldn’t believe I was capable of true happiness and love with the heart very deeply and honestly. Love is something I did not identify with or really deep down ever imagine was possible until much later in my life. The only real love I felt was that from my four-legged furry friends, not humans. Humans could not be trusted and they continued to prove that to me each and every day. They didn’t care about me, have concern for me or my health, they just used me to take what they needed and cast me aside until they needed me again. Humans are capable of inflicting pain, and this they did, so much so it blinded me from seeing what was right there in my arms and begging to stay in my heart. I cannot replace what once was wrong and make it right, time continues to move on and we must learn to forgive ourselves, our mistakes, and judge not our decisions. Life is ever evolving and we learn as we grow, but sometimes, oh yea sometimes, I wish I knew then what I is clearly undeniable now. Hug you beloved pets, they love you more than anyone else ever could, because their love is unconditional.
Happy Tail Wagging and may love find it’s way to your heart each and every day.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Life Lost

I’ve heard people say that when you have a near death experience it changes the rest of your life forever, but what becomes of your life when you don’t die, but your baby dies many months before you ever get to meet him or her? Your life is never the same again either. I mourn such a tragedy still today, many decades later, and it will continue with me until my dieing day. I felt as if God was punishing me for something I had done in my youth or past, something I could not pray enough to wash away the sin(s) I committed. It is to eternally cling upon my soul and haunt me until my last breath here on earth. I then think about “us” there was an “us” in this scenario, we made this baby as one, and we lost this baby as one. Yes, it was I, the woman who felt this, our tiny unborn baby slip from inside me where I thought it was safe and snug, but all of a sudden a moment came, and there was nothing I could do to put a stop to it and all I felt inside me was a vast emptiness. It happened in a matter of moments or seconds, I cried out and I screamed inside and it was still happening as I lay there trying to gulp for air and somehow tell myself this wasn’t the end of the world, I still had to live on past this unspeakable death knowing my baby was gone forever. Forever. We as humans use this word like an everyday casual word not conscious of what it really means. I will love you forever, I will stay with your forever, I will wear this shirt forever because you touched it, I want this moment to last forever…but then we realize, sometimes much to late, that forever is a really really long time, and time has a way of altering our way of thinking, our way of behaving, and our hearts, forever.

I have written before we cannot go back in time and even if we could would we take that chance of an outcome that would so alter our future and those around us causing appalling and reckless events. I know life moves on, and I cannot change my past choices or events, but they have formed me into who and what I am today.

When I see an older dog, or an adult dog at a shelter, it genuinely tears at my heart. We as Americans do a repulsive job at preventing new litters of puppies from being brought into this world of over population. Many don’t care or even think about it…these are just animals, or possessions, not individual lives. But every single pup born is a new and special life. We are all God’s creatures and all deserve a life of security, food, shelter from the elements, and most importantly love. Since that tragic day so long ago that is perpetually engraved into my memory I have unsuccessfully attempted to see if my body would carry a beautiful baby to term, but it was never meant to be. So, desperate to help babies in any form so that I could make use of my motherly instincts and love, I choose to save as many dogs as I could from their own impending death at the hands of humans. “It Takes Four Paws” is so much deeper and nearer to my heart than any of you could have imagined. I could not save my baby, but I can save and nurture what God has given to me, dogs, lots of dogs. I love them more than some humans and they are deserving of this love for they love me unconditionally and without any reservation. I am their mom, and they my fur-children, today and everyday, even long after they are gone from this earth and waiting for me at Rainbow Bridge. God gives us what we need, not what we want, and we must take what He gives us and nurture and secure it today and always. We cannot change or fix what happened long ago, but we can try to make amends in whatever way we can using our hearts. To the loss of my past, I love you and will never forget you as being a part of me and may you forever know peace and love continues to overfull from my heart to yours. Love is not lost if it is still deep within your heart, it is just tucked safely away.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

FairyTale


Life. I sit and wonder if this is the life I was given, or the life I have chosen, or was it just random acts that brought me to where I am? I am confident, like me, most of you dreamed when you were a young child about what your future would be like. I always prayed first just to make it to adulthood and after that, I lived in a perfect fairytale in my future life. Complete will all the furry animals in the forest that walked and talked and were my very best friends, prince charming would tell me how pretty I was every day, the beautiful dresses and the figure to wear them, the bluebirds singing pleasing music and floating around and around. The sun was always shining and the scenic view was of rolling hills blanketed with sweet dainty flowers. Soft breezes and fluffy clouds up in the blue blue sky.

WAKE UP, and when I did, there were no bluebirds singing in my ear, just loud voices that began to sound like blah blah blah. Early wake ups and hard work, no prince charming to sweep me away and make me the happiest woman in all the land. There was no soft bed which to lay my head upon, in real life it was just an old sleeping bag on the floor. No fancy clothes adorned my not so perfect body shape, and any pretty flowers were covered in brown sloshed snow out my city window. The dreams of childhood began to fade with each passing day, real life was taking over and it was not looking like anyplace I wanted to stay for very long. When reality turns out to be a complete 360 from your dreams you began to doubt that any happiness is in your future and if and when will it ever get there.

When I did find happiness, it faded much to quickly, leaving me to feel alone and isolated, unloved and uncared for, as if I were to just fade away it would be okay, there wasn’t anyone to come look for me. The years go by and the silliness of fairytale made me laugh, for real…hard belly laughs. Not because they are adolescent poppycock filling us with artificial ideas, but because I knew who I was, and where I had come from, and almost daily kicked myself for believing in all that “perfect sunny days, prince charming, bluebird signing” crap. Who believes in that shit anyhow, I did, but like many little girls before me, we wake up and learn the truths. The furry animals in the forest get shot and eaten, prince charming is an unemployed self centered jerk, the sun is covered by pollution, the dresses all alluring and flowing are only worn in the movies, us real ladies wear work uniforms.

So again, I am back where I started, is this the life I was given, the life I have made, or the random acts…I can only tell you for sure, it ain’t no fairytale.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Loneliness

Now and again we may be surrounded by many people in our daily life, and yet we feel lonely and isolated. I myself feel this way on many days and it is not that I don’t have people in my life that love me, because I do. I have always felt different than most, unique but not special and dare I say out of sync with the majority.

My regular readers and supporters who have gotten to know me from my blog know that I am a survivor of many evils, child abuse, rape, verbal abuse, and continued torment from one family member that will remain a constant in the forefront of my life until they are called to hell. If any of you are saying to the screen, “you need to seek counseling, please don’t waste that comment on me, as I have had years and years of counseling by some of the best in the business. What I feel is in my heart not my head.

Needless to say, I counted on animals more than humans and I feel perfectly rational in stating this. They are the only ones that do not instigate anguish, know about hate, harbor ill feelings, torment and torture, or raise a fist in rage. But most of us know this already, but what many may not know is that each and every one of my fur-children have their own and distinct personality. One maybe feels sad when I leave, one will play alone, one will always lay on my head no matter how large he gets, one may hate to get brushed and the others may love it. They are like us in that no two are alike. And just like I have different relationships with different people based on our personalities and closeness, I have a similar but different relationship with the fur-kids.

As I have stated in the beginning I can and have felt entirely alone in a group of people, be they friends or strangers, but I can honestly say I have never felt alone in the company of a dog. We share basic trust and traits. We don’t need to speak but yet there is a conversation, we don’t need to touch and yet my heart is touched, we don’t have to look into each other’s eyes, but when I do, I see their soul, and it to me it is as pure as the first snow flakes falling from the heavens. Pure, natural, beautiful, simple, and with it, a calm and overwhelming sense of togetherness, loyalty, and love.

I know that people like me are rare, but I don’t mind at all, it just validates that I am very special and that the bonds I can make with God’s creatures is a gift direct from the heaven’s that only was given to a few honored non-perfect humans like me.

Happy tail wagging everyone.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Thunder Brings on the Paw

I was awoken this morning about 4:30 to a large black and furry paw to the face. As I attempted to clear out the dust from my sleepy brain I could hear the thunder clasps and see the flashes of light dance across the sky. It was Otis attached to the paw telling me he was not about to sit this storm out alone so I’d better get up. Otis has had a fear of storms ever since we moved here to upstate SC where summer storms are known to pop up almost every afternoon. Personally I have a passion for storms that provide a muscular wind that instigates tree branches to twist and turn, a rain that drenches you to the bone as it attacks you and hits you with a slap, a light show that can only be upstaged by Trans Siberian Orchestra. But, with Otis my loyal fur-child around I must awaken from my serene undemanding dream as I am denied any pleasure kindled by this storm of the early morning. As I creep from the bedroom and very softly close the door, I watch with delight as the sky continues to sparkle and the thunder breaks the silence of the sleeping house.
I must care for my Otis: I speak to him in a gentle, soothing, and motherly voice as I hug him firmly. We walk side by side to the kitchen where the promace pills are kept for just such mornings. Once Otis has had his pill, we lay tenderly on the living room floor, his head upon my chest, his breathing slowing to a tranquil state. I watch as his eyelids commence to close even as he struggles the inescapable. As he doses off into sweet dreams, I hear one last thunderbolt clamor through the stillness and witness one last shimmer dash across the horizon as I as drift back into peaceful slumber.

Love

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"
http://www.museumofthedog.org/about_us.html

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Blessings

Well today outside is just a cloudy and drizzly day, but inside I am filled with sunshine. I have been reflecting on the many blessings I have had in my life and still have today. Of course it goes without saying the man in my life is someone that loves me for me, and nothing is better than that. I am not a easy woman to be with, I have a very broken past that still haunts me today, but he is still right by my side even when I am checked out in my own little world, or playing with toys at the stores, or dressed up like a runway model on his arm for the evening. He has weaknesses and flaws, but don’t we all? I will never be close to perfect and yet he accepts this in me and loves me in spite of it. He is a true and admirable blessing that I will hold onto for as long as I can.

My recent discovery of my grandson, yes I said grandson, has given me a new purpose in life. He lives so far away, and we have so much catching up to do I could write to him a chapter each day and still be behind on where he is in his life and how I got to this point in mine. Just knowing a little ten year old is thinking of me, wanting to know all about me, and share the rest of his life with me is a blessing that God could not have sent at a better time.

Not last by any means are my pups; Otis, Marley, Brock, and the baby Abby. As a child that was beaten for years my dog was all I had that showed me any love. I would have died to protect her, and she for I. She is at Rainbow bridge waiting for me and someday I will hug her and thank her again for being there to save me when all hope was lost. She was my only blessing for many years, and my current babies have no less love for me than she did, and I for them.

Blessings come in many different and unique ways; a life savior, a clean bill of health, a special someone, or maybe the blessing was just being able to pick myself up and move on. I have had to do this many times and all across this great nation of ours. I have lost touch with the very few friends I had met along my journey, but I still hold dear many memories of times from my past that did make me laugh and smile, gave me hope, showed me that I was worthy of love, and just every now and then, my greatest blessing of all was inner peace.

Stay happy and keep those tails wagging!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Do We Really Want to Change Our Past?

I am sure most you have been asked at one time or another, what in your past would you change if you could, and would you? I have had some very damaging events back in my youth, some horrific exchanges of hate and power thrust upon me, and a family, well, that really wasn’t a family at all.

But to answer my own question of what would I change and would I, my answer is nothing. Honestly, I would not change anything about my past. I firmly believe that every day, hour, or minute of our lives is a building block onto what our next block will come from. Yes some could argue, “why wouldn’t you change the beatings you got every day, or why wouldn’t you change this or that?” My individual opinion is that if I am happy, right now, at this very moment in time, then I have to accept and keep all the decisions, actions, and life’s moments exactly as they occurred or I would not be in this very place I am right now.

It is these very experiences that have shaped our personalities and who we are.
Who we have become and how we approach life is all derived from what we remember about our past. All the wonderful traits of who you are today could possibly be altered by ripples forward if you were change even the tiniest thing from your past.

We are humans, we interact each and everyday with millions of others we don‘t come in immediate contact with, no one lives in an isolation bubble. We all effect other people, with our thoughts, decisions, actions, life events, and so on. So to alter just one thing from the past would additionally modify everyone else’s as well.

Clearly no one can change the past and we must accept and live with our choices and the events from the past that have shaped us and all those around us. We all have a mistake or a pain from our past we would love to abolish. Just the mere thought of having an opportunity where we could throw caution to the wind, reject all risks associated with time travel and the unquestionable ripples, take a deep breath, and jump head first onto those time lines.

Then reality surfaces, and with just a flicker of wishful thinking we know in our heart or hearts that we must all keep moving forward; day by day. To do this we must forgive ourselves of past mistakes or actions, because you can’t go back. Accept the past so you can concentrate on your future, we can control the future. But lest you never forget, everything we do affects someone else is some way, however minor. Also go back and ask yourself again how happy you are in life right now...

We don’t need to press Control/ALT/Delete, more often than not, it is just a simple little fix.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Remembering High School

I logged on to that site that lets you reunite with your past school mates from high school and saw that I missed my 28th year reunion, wow bummer. No really, because I remember when I was being a bit…how do I say, rebellious in high school and I was called into my counselor’s office for a chat. He sat me down in a chair across from him and he had all these important papers in front of him and then the speech. “I don’t understand why you are failing in Home Economics?” he said, “from what your mother tells me you love to cook?” I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Well maybe because they don’t let us cook Italian food.” He looked at me funny and said, “they bake in this class, are you saying you don’t like brownies and cookies and such?” I had to stop myself from laughing and simply said I was not into sweets, if I had answered honestly it would have been more like “Well you see, I have two free periods before my Home Economics class and I leave the grounds with my friends and we smoke a bit, and then we pig out big time on Dunkin Donuts and by the time I get to class I am waaaay to tired to even look at a brownie much less try and pour liquid into a tiny measuring cup and cook one. After a few more exchanges he finally said to me, “now young lady, you need to take high school more seriously, these are the best times of your life.” Whoaaaaa, wait a minute, did he just say this was the best time of my life, what the heck? I live with my parents, I can’t legally drink, my face has more craters than the moon because acne is my middle name, I don’t have a car, I have no money and I’ve never had sex!!! So if this was the best….well then heck, just shoot me now because it can only be down hill from here….

Needless to say my life worked out fine, and I have, much later in life, found the best times of my life with my husband who is the love of life, my 4 legged “children“, and my great friends.

Have a good Sunday everyone….

Happy wagging

Sunday, May 22, 2011

A New day

The sun rose today to a glorious spectacle and so did I. You see, we cannot be assured that each day we will awake and be who we are to those that expect us to be, well, who we are to them. Many of my inner circle know that I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis over two years ago. This is not JUST any arthritis as many think when they hear that word. It is forever, The cause of RA is unknown. It is considered an autoimmune disease. The body's immune system normally fights off foreign substances, like viruses. But in an autoimmune disease, the immune system confuses healthy tissue for foreign substances. As a result, the body attacks itself. I have to endure many drugs a day including a chemo drug once a week in a high dose as well as IV once a month called a Biologic drug. These are designed to affect parts of the immune system that play a role in the disease process of rheumatoid arthritis. There is no cure, just medications to help you through the pain, well supposed to help anyhow.

Well, along with this, I seem to have also been losing my memory; is it related, my doctor said it is due to all the medication I am on each day, but my fear is my remembering my grandfather died from Alzheimer’s. So, do I worry about that or the incurable RA…how about neither from this day on. I accidentally took eight Zanax pills Friday night instead of my chemo pills. I knew as soon as I placed them in my mouth as I know the taste of Xanax and the chemo pills have no taste, eight plus my sleeping pill and my muscle relaxer. I told hubby to call poison control and I tired to throw up. My mind was spinning thinking of so many different things all at once.

As it turns out poison control said I would be okay but would sleep a little bit; I slept for 24 hours. But I learned something very important during this “crisis”. I learned that some people I thought I needed in my life I really didn’t. I realized if I had died I had no regrets except for the fact I could not spent more time with my husband who I love more than my own life, I realized I need to concentrate more on some things and less on others. I realized any day can be your last and to not ever take even one day for granted.

I don’t live an exciting life, but I do have a few people that love me and I them. I realized I spend more time with my four dogs than I do my husband, and yet I don’t think I would change a thing right now. God gave me this life almost 47 years ago, and I once (more than once) I asked him to take me home with him as I had had enough, but He didn’t, and I am so glad He kept me here. I may not solve a world crisis, I may create the cure for cancer or even RA, but I did learn Friday night that even if just one person loves you, I mean really loves you, than you are blessed. I have that one person, my husband, and a few more as well so I am very blessed. Never take your life for granted, never take the ones that you love for granted, and always always hug your dogs, they are after all a present from God, and God has blessed with over and over again. Have a great Sunday everyone, and may I soon talk to you again when the sun rises on our newest day. Happy Tail wagging.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Before I Was A Dog Mom

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I made and ate hot meals unmolested.
I had unstained, unfurred clothes.
I had quiet conversations on the phone,
even if the doorbell rang.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I slept as late as I wanted
and never worried about how late I got to bed
or if I could get into my bed.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I cleaned my house every day.
I never tripped over toys, stuffies, chewies
or invited the neighbor's dog over to play.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I didn't worry if my plants, cleansers,
plastic bags, toilet paper, soap or deodorant
were poisonous or dangerous.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never been peed on,
pooped on, drooled on,
chewed on or pinched by puppy teeth.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had complete control of my thoughts,
my body and mind.
I slept all night without sharing the covers or pillow.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I never looked into big, soulful eyes and cried.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop a hurt.
I never knew something so furry and four-legged
could affect my heart so deeply.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never held a sleeping puppy
just because I couldn't put it down.
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was well.
I didn't know how warm it feels inside
to feed a hungry puppy.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never known the warmth, the joy,
the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the
satisfaction of being...
A Dog Mom.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Dog Moms like me!!!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

“My Life, Uncut and Unedited”

The storm has passed and today the four baby birds in our birdhouse are rejoicing as they wait for momma bird to bring them breakfast in bed. Below their home the fragrant flowers are all standing at attention waving up to the big blue sky in all their glorious colors. Today is a great day; I will make sure it is.

There are so many clich├ęs out in the written world, “life is like a box of chocolate”, “when at first you don’t succeed…”, only the good die young”, “when the world gives you lemons…” and so on. I used to think that life was what was given to you, that it just happened. I was wrong, very wrong.

My life was at one time so horrific with black clouds filling my every scene, I cried through the entire production when others were not looking at me on stage. I was a drifter in my own mind wondering from place to place looking for the escape hatch. I found it one day, it was labeled courage.

I embraced my new found courage and walked out of the scenes that had me in harms way, the fights, the anger, the hate. I looked at myself and realized I was all I had and I was going to make it to the big stage one day, people would know me, respect me, and love me.

I left behind every bit of despair and wondered through the streets not yet knowing where my next gig would be, when I might eat again, even where I might sleep. It didn’t matter as it once did, I had courage now and it was all I needed to keep me walking straight ahead and not looking back.

I did make it one day, many years and many struggles later. It was to say the least, glorious! I found my soul mate, I found my talent, and I found that God never forgot who I was and where I was, I was the one that needed the reminder. I did not belong where I once came from, it was a mistake of epic proportions and although I cannot erase the events completely from my memories, I know they are there only to remind me of how far I have come. I overcame hell on earth to be where I am today and I know now life is not just “what happens” it is all about what you make of it, today, tomorrow, and the day after. I control my life. I not only play the staring role, I am the writer, the director, and the producer of this original screen place called, “My Life, Uncut and Unedited” and as of today, my four dogs will tell you, I am wagging my tail to a happy beat day after day.

If you are not happy, make a change and get happy for we only have precious little time here on earth, make it worth the trip.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Love

When I was a child I used to love to go to the mall with my best friend and just sit and people watch. Granted, I was not always nice in my thoughts and comments in regard to all the people I saw. The words I spoke were not meant to bring harm to the people, it was merely a way for me to take the ugliness I felt about myself and place it somewhere else, if even for just a couple hours.

I was not a loved child, I had an abusive parent, I was fat, I did not like who I was at all. But as I grew up I learned I was who God made me to be and I had better start liking me or my life would be lived in sadness. It was not an easy task, liking myself, my birth mother was constantly telling me what a loser I was, how ugly I was, and that I would amount to nothing at all in my pitiful existence.

I proved her wrong many times over and I still am today. What I have been thinking most about these last few days, is why is she still slandering my name to all she meets and talks to? Why does she get so much delight from being hateful and character assassination? How did I, a kind hearted and loving person ever come from the womb of a evil soul that only wishes to wreck havoc on her on blood for shear pleasure?

Well, to that question I will never have an answer, but I did answer a question about me and my life. I am who God made me to be. I have found my soul mate and married him, I love animals and they love me back 100%, I love to cook and experiment with food, I love hosting children from other countries and having them grow and mature with the guidance of my nurturing and kindness. I love to clean my home and make it a place to snuggle down and find tranquility and love no matter what room you enter. I seek other’s approval, and yet, I don’t need it to feel good about who and what I am.

I matured without a mother’s affection and support and yet I have become a woman whose heart is bigger than the moon, loves those that love me back, and know that I was born from wickedness. But by the grace of God, I have eradicated every last drop of blood within me that contained abhorrence. My life was never perfect, is still not perfect, but I know I am as close to perfect as I can be. I have learned if you cannot share love, create love, or teach love, you will never experience love, and without love, there is nothing but a hollow existence. Start today by loving who you are as a person for you cannot give love away to others if you don't first have love inside you to share.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Farewell again Katharina

As I watched her on the escalator travel up and then up further to a place I could no longer view her waving hand or her beautiful hazel eyes with a hint of moisture, I immediately broke down my tough girl face and cried as if I were forever lost and all alone although standing in a crowded and bustling airport. Saying good-bye to Katharina this morning matched what it must feel like to have a large part of your tender and beating heart ripped out in a flash of a second.

As I drove home in silence, with tears streaming down my freshly washed and make-up face, I realized it was not that she was gone again that hurt so much, it was that my heart was again so full of her smile, her love, her accent speaking to me in a way only she can, for the new memories that we have made, it is this that hurts so much when she leaves. It was just moments ago we were still creating new memories and then, the next she is gone. I suddenly feel we need more, NOW, not in a year or two, right NOW…I want you back by my side and forever hugging my soul as you hug my heart as only you can.

Upon entering my home after the trip back from the airport, I feel as my oldest dog Otis looks, the sad and droopy eyes, the sorrow upon his face, the looking behind me for Katharina who had followed behind me now since Monday. I lower myself to pat his head and to tell him that she is off again on a fantastic journey and smile as I say the words, for she is my journey around the globe as I feel and learn through the captured stills she sends to me, and the words that follow them. So yes, Otis and I will now rest together, both of us I am sure feeling sad, but oh so happy for the hugs and time we have had this week with someone we both love so dearly.

I can not end this blog without saying how extremely swollen with pride I am of her accomplishments over the last six years and the true reason she is back in the states. She is off to represent her country at the United Nations in NYC. My daughter is an example to all, that with determination, little money, and a little help along the way, a big dream can come true if you truly want it to. She is on her way to greatness and to “save the world”, and as funny as it may sound, I know she will.

Remember a daughter does not have had to come from your womb, she only has had to enter your heart. Until next time Katharina, all my love…

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Simple Life

God has altered my life in many ways in the last two years. I have had setbacks in my health and yet my heart is overflowing. My health is not as great as it once was, but it could be much much worse, so I am grateful everyday I wake up and can stand and use my hands. I am blessed with inner strength to compel me to keep seeking and giving kindness, searching for those in need of my help, to introduce myself to new and challenging opportunities, to constantly grow in my belief and for the many blessing of love in my life. I have reunited with family members and I have asked others to stay away. I have made new friends, reconnected with old ones, and yes maybe have lost a few as well. I am blessed with a husband that adores me and blessed with all the four-legged children God had adopt me.

My personality has changed as well, I am still very crazy, but mature when needed. I love to laugh and have fun, but know when to be solemn. I try my best to do a good deed everyday, and yet sometimes they bite me in the butt. I am a child of God just doing the best she can to stay focused on the blessings I have and not ask for things I do not need. God has sent to me another daughter, this time from Brazil. Ana Paula is beautiful, caring, smart and sweet as summer corn. A blessing that I did not ask for but God gave to me knowing I needed her and she needs us.

I used to be all about the amount of materials things and how many more could I own. Now, I wear a plastic paw print bracelet in place of the diamond one. I carry a purse that was made by a group that supports and feed homeless dogs in place of the Gucci. Brand names have been replaced with comfortable and affordable. All these material things are pretty, but so is a child’s smile, a puppy taking a nap, or walking barefoot in the sand.

What is in my heart is what is most important not what I wear on my body. I am a softer person now inside, unlike before when I was full of so much hate and anger. I look for the simple pleasures God gave to all of us for my appreciation and to heighten my spirit; a sprouting new flower, a breathtaking sunrise, the picturesque full moon, the dogs all playing and running, the spider spinning her web, the puffy white clouds obscuring the bright blue sky, the vigorous sound of thunder and the rhythm of the rain. A mother bird bring her open mouthed young provisions for breakfast, and the stars I look up to each night as I thank God for my life, the beauty He gave me, the love He gave me, and the know how for doing things to help myself and the attitude to get it done.

So today, as I celebrate the season of Lent, I again thank God for me, simple old me, for who I am, for what I have, and for the love in my heart that overflows each day.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Not Perfect

My life is not perfect, my life is not just starting, my life is not all about me. My life is a enchanting journey of delight that could not ever be, nor ever was, before my life had Lennie. My life is consumed not with me and what I am doing, but rather sharing it with the love of my life, my small family, my fur-children, and the special people I meet along the path. Never stop smiling, for if you do you will never have those unexpected little chance meetings with people that can change your life.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Dog Rules:

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something & you put it down, it automatically beomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.
 
Thank you,
The Dog